MN Thompson's

It’s been two years since my sister, Katherine, died. That first year was insane. It was a whirlwind of emotions. We were constantly watching out for ourselves and each other – or just trying to get through each day as we cycled through all stages of grief. It forced all of us to deal with emotions that most of us had never even considered. But we got through it, and we continue to heal and rebuild.

The second year has been more educational and reflective for me, and I’ve started to think more and more about my purpose in life. I still think about Katherine every single day, and you never know when grief will hit. The biggest mental turning point for me has been my understanding that mental illness, depression, anxiety, etc are no different from any other disease. We can watch for signs, we can take steps to reduce our risks, but in the end they are diseases that can’t be controlled. This means that people with these diseases don’t have a choice in the act of suicide. They died by suicide. They died as a result of depression. Just like you died by heart attack as a result of heart disease. They didn’t commit suicide. They didn’t choose to die. They didn’t choose to leave us. Professor Robert Sapolsky of Stanford University has a great 24-lecture series on Stress and Your Body. He very clearly states that major depression is one of the worst illnesses out there. With other illnesses you get a wake-up call and find joy to keep on living but with depression, by definition, people have lost the ability to feel pleasure and find happiness. Anxiety may be even more prevalent than depression, and again, is also a real medical disorder.

I knew nothing about any of this two years ago. I had opinions that were wrong. I wanted to know why she chose to leave us. Why she didn’t ask us for help. Why she would want to leave so much behind. I used phrases that weren’t accurate and unknowingly perpetuated stereotypes. I come across the word “stigma” frequently and it always seems so blameful – such a negative word – I don’t like that one, which may be the point. Even in yesterday’s Facebook postings about Katherine it was very easy to find words that are wrong and mask the truth. And these are comments by loved ones who have been part of this experience. If it’s so easy for us to capture this inaccurately then of course it’s impossible for the general public to relate to and understand the complexities of mental illness and suicide.

Here’s a great short article (with audio if you prefer that) by Alan Lessik offering a great perspective from someone who lost a loved one to a fatal mental illness (and coincidentally has a connection to Pearson): Judge Not His Death

And isn’t it amazing now how many times we see awful news about suicide. It’s all around us and can impact anyone in all walks of life. It’s still hard not to judge or make generalized assumptions when you see that it is related to a celebrity, CEO, etc. But we shouldn’t judge. It’s no different than what we’ve been through. I just read Highest Duty: My Search For What Really Matters, by Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger. This is the pilot who landed a damaged US Airways flight onto the Hudson River in January 2009. It’s a good book and really shows how all of his life experiences and training put him in the perfect spot that day to save so many lives. One impact on his life was that his dad died of suicide at the age of 78 when Sully was 43 years old. He says,

• “Naturally, I was distraught, angry, and upset with myself. I thought that I should have been paying closer attention to him. Intellectually, my mom, my sister, and I knew better. As with so many suicides, I don’t think any of us who loved him could have prevented him from doing what he did…After Flight 1549, people wrote to tell me that they could sense how much I valued life. Quite frankly, one of the reasons I think I’ve placed such a high value on life is that my father took his…his death did have an effect on how I’ve lived, and on how I view the world. It made me more committed to preserving life. I exercise more care in my professional responsibilities. I am willing to work very hard to protect people’s lives, to be a good Samaritan, and to not be a bystander, in part because I couldn’t save my father.”

It’s up to all of us to help raise awareness. Take care of yourself first. But if you’re ok then keep reading. We should share our experiences. We should proactively ask others how they are doing, especially if they have given us any depression/anxiety/suicide comments or hints about themselves or others in their lives. And then listen to them and be there for them. We should be conscious about our choice of words. I meet with anyone that wants to talk to me about related topics…once I’m aware (and that is the hard part). I have met with co-workers and friends, people concerned about their kids, and people concerned about their parents. I have a Pinterest board. I have offered to help anyone at church who needs to talk on topics I can relate to. These are just some of the ways I try to spread these positive values and help others. We’ve been through it, and we are better equipped to help others.

Professor Robert Sapolsky (who I mentioned above) acknowledges that he has 22 lectures of bad news before he gets to some positive messages in his last two lectures in that series. His focus is on stress and how bad that is for us. But my particular interest was the connection to depression and anxiety. So what can we do?

• Take care of ourselves. Do the obvious things like eat well and don’t smoke. Duh – you’ve heard it before.
• And you need to exercise. You’ve heard this how many times before? Yes, exercise. 30+ minutes every day. It needs to be something that you enjoy doing. Make the time for this. I have made this change in my life and can stick to it most weeks. But I have to be intentional about it because it is important to me. I don’t know if depression sneaks up on you or if wham! one day I get hit by it, but if finding 30 minutes a day will help me (and provides so many other benefits) then sign me up.
• He also recommends transcendental meditation and having a strong support network. I’ve been very blessed to have a small group of people who watch out for me and that I feel comfortable talking to. I don’t shy away from any conversations about what I’m thinking about and how I’m feeling. It’s good for me and good for others too. Hearing about vulnerability in others makes it ok for more people to share.
• He also mentions having a religious belief but it is harder to show correlation since people with these beliefs are typically doing other things right and their church provides them a support network that is crucial.
• The last thing he mentions is essentially your coping strategy. Knowing what you can change or control and what you can’t – when to accept and when to move on. Knowing when to change your strategy. Keeping the right things in perspective. I have learned how to be open and share what is on my mind. I absolutely try to continually educate myself so I am best equipped to make the right decisions. Sharing this information with each other is essential to this and part of my process.

Here a short related excerpt from an interview with Andrew Solomon who has suffered from depression and his advice on how best to support others (http://andrewsolomon.com/coverage/hartford-healthcare-interview/):

• “I often say to people who describe having a friend who’s depressed “You need to make sure that the person is never alone.” Sometimes that means talking to them, and sometimes when they are too miserable to talk, it means sitting quietly by their bed. And sometimes when even having another human being in the room feels overwhelming to them, it involves sitting right outside the bedroom door. It never involves going away and it never involves taking seriously their claims that they want to be alone. Depression is a disease of loneliness and the best way to address it is to mitigate that aloneness.”

I was in a discussion recently with someone in a book study at work about our purpose in life. I don’t know how I would have answered that two years ago. I don’t think you can just pick your purpose and expect to get it right and for it to be meaningful. Sometimes it finds you, like it or not. I’m not sure that we can help or save everyone. But what we can do is live for being happy today, be there for those around us, chase your dreams, and live life with no regrets. A huge focus in my life now is thinking about how I can make a positive difference in the lives of others. Concepts from The Dream Manager have absolutely changed what I focus on in my life in the past several years. I talk about these principles at work and with friends. I am working on doing the same at church this year. I am looking at more local groups on depression/grieving/suicide to see where I may fit in to help. I’m trying to build a larger presence on Pinterest. If you’re interested in talking more about any of the things I mentioned and seeing how we can make an ever bigger impact please let me know.

I also am thinking about changing some of my writing style to be more focused on an audience that doesn’t know me and my story. Largely when I write it is very beneficial for me – but I get great comments from some of you throughout the year too. But could I write on topics that I know about and help others on their journey? Other than these being way too long (I know, I know) I’d love feedback. Respond in comments or send me a separate email. What do you like about how I write? Where can I improve? What topics should I cover? What questions do you have? Misconceptions? Uncertainties? Things you’ve learned that I could elaborate on and share? How about this – would you like to hear more on happiness and pursuing dreams?

Take care of yourself. Dream big. Be there and even just listen to those in need. Educate others. Think about your purpose in life and what more you can do.

One last comment. Jeff Olson in The Slight Edge referenced an article saying that only 10 people on average will cry at your funeral and that

• “the number one factor that would determine how many people would go on from the funeral to attend the actual burial would be…the weather.” “If it happened to be raining, said the article’s author, 50 percent of the people who attended my funeral would decide maybe they wouldn’t go on to attend my burial after all, and just head home.”

Just think of how many people cried at Katherine’s funeral. Think of how many lives she touched. Think of how long that line was. And think of how many people did go on to the actual burial and stood in the rain on a cold New England day for Katherine. She was a special person and is still loved and missed so much.

In the beginning
 all the time
  when I woke up
   when I went to bed
    any time in between
     when I walked into work
      when I walked out of work
       but I kept it out of work
        had to then
         when my phone rang at work
          you are never prepared for that phone call

when I drive up the street to my parent’s house
 when I drive down the street away from my parent’s house
  when I think about that first moment at their house
   and we all stand in the kitchen and catch up on things
    and get to see and hug each other for the first time of that visit
     and joke and laugh with each other
      and get some cookies from the cookie jar
       that’s always a special moment
        it’s still special
         but is missing something now

when I think about my parents
 and all the things they did right
  and all the love we showed each other
   and all the happiness waiting for all of us
    together in the future

when I think about future family reunions

when I look at our last family pictures
 and thought we were doing it for another reason
  it wasn’t Katherine that we were worried about then
   you never know the reason
    take the picture

when I think about my brother
  and his family
    and my parents
     and Katherine’s family
      her husband
       and girls
        those smiling, happy girls
         we worry about them remembering too much
          yet not remembering enough
     those precious, special girls
      and extended family
   and her best friend
    all of her friends
     and her co-workers
      and anyone fortunate enough to see her beautiful spirit shine
   you never know the reason for making all those connections
    make the connections

when I think about New Hampshire
 Boston
  Maine
   New England
    a trip to Disney
     a trip to Grand Marais
      she said a summer trip is “good for us!” 2 weeks before she died
     the struggle to live
      and to die
       at the same time

when I think of a cold and dreary New England day
 or see a timeless New England cemetery
  when I hear bagpipes
   wow were they sad that day
    and yet beautiful in a way I’d never heard before
     and don’t want to hear again

at any holiday
 when I have a birthday and turn a year older
  New Years
   Christmas
    Thanksgiving with family
     it’s so odd that my happiness related to aging and family holidays
      triggers sadness
       the happier I see us all
        the sadder I want to feel sometimes

when I think about my childhood

when I see anyone take their family for granted

when I hear anyone say the word “sister”
 or “brother”
  especially if they are complaining about their siblings
   hey grown-ups
    please don’t complain about your siblings
   I know kids will fight with each other
    that’s normal, and part of every childhood
     watching my children do that stirs up many emotions in me
      frustration, sadness, hurt, mad, plus others I guess
       I have to leave the room and not deal with it
        guess it makes me miss Katherine even more
         and wants me to have them appreciate each other all the time
          I know it’s not realistic
           but wow does it overwhelm me

when I see other families fight
 over the silliest things
  and just not get how precious life is
   especially when these families know my story
    but they forget
     please appreciate what you have
      or if you don’t appreciate it
       please don’t do that in front of me
        especially during holidays which are already tough on me
         help me every day continue to live my life positively
          and inspire others
           and not judge
            and have patience
             and respect all those around me
              and help me “be kind” as the quote says
               because everyone you meet is fighting a great battle

when I worry about telling my kids
 when I worry about not telling my kids

every time one of my children says they hate me
 yes, it happens to all of us
  hopefully not often
   but all kids say it
    it digs deep
     in ways it wouldn’t have two years ago
    or when they cry over friends
     or not fitting in
      how can you not worry?
       do you overreact?
        underreact?
         love them
          listen to them
           be there
            don’t judge
             create that loving environment.

when I think about how Grandma T would always pause when we’d go
 through old photos
  when she got to Grandpa T’s sister Margareet who died when
   she was in her early twenties of cancer
    something about the way she said it or paused I think
     showed a profound impact on Grandpa T for the rest of his life
      it would be interesting to hear if he ever talked about her
       or how that impacted him
        and how his life changed
         does anyone know?

when I look at draft emails still addressed to Katherine
 or the messages from her still saved in my phone
  or read her comments in my blog
   so glad I created that blog
    it is the 1st item I ever pursued after reading The Dream Manager
     Katherine always talked about creating her own blog
      she really wanted to do it
       but it never happened
      so glad she read my blog
       so glad she wrote comments
        you never know why you do some things
         and the benefits they will produce
          chase your dreams
           write your blog (or whatever is on your dream list)
            who cares what others think
             take small steps at first
              but just do it
               support other people’s dreams
                write those comments
                 they mean so much

when I have great memories of her
 it’s so true that we remember and miss the small things
  the imperfections, crazy moments, and unique traits
   those random, funny email that I still have saved
    jigsaw puzzles of course
     that wonderful laugh/snort/chortle/burst with that smile
      the awesome gifts she bought me
       will I ever throw some of those away now?
        how long will a G. H. Bass jacket last and still be so stylish?
         don’t answer that
          I say I need to get better at buying gifts like she did
           talk is cheap, huh?
      when I hear “wicked awesome”
       ok, I never hear that
      when I drive past where she got pulled over by the police
       for speeding in Minnesota
        while in her pajamas
         with no I.D.
          with her best friend
           and not really knowing where they were
            must have made that cop’s day

when I watch my children grow older
 when I see my daughter dancing
  and growing older
   and making lifelong friends
    when I fold her flannel pajamas
     when she wears new dance costumes and make-up
      I can picture Katherine at that age doing these same things

when I still think about calling Katherine out of the blue
 it just doesn’t seem real some days
  this really happened to our family?

when I connect with a song
 For a Dancer by Jackson Browne
  “And somewhere between the time you arrive
  And the time you go
  May lie a reason you were alive
  But you’ll never know”
   find songs or poems or stories that have meaning to you

When I see my grey hairs
 when I don’t sleep well at night
  because my mind is up
   I sleep better now
    but those grey hairs don’t turn back to brown
     thanks Katherine

when I hear people say
 “suicide”
  “I’d kill for that”
   “he’s dead to me”
    “slit my wrists”
     “hang myself”
      they are just words we all use
       but I pause on them now
        and try to be intentional
         and thoughtful
          in my words and actions

when I try to think about what she must have been thinking
 and going through
  so much that I don’t understand
   and can’t relate to
    but I’m learning a lot and continue to learn
     and not judge
      anxiety
       depression
        Crohn’s
         OCD
          are scraping sounds of teeth against a metal fork or spoon
           a warning sign or just a way to annoy your sister?
            who knows.
  when I tap my fingernails on the wall
   as I walk down a hallway
    or stairwell
     but I can stop tapping my nails
      I control it
       but others can’t
        so hard to understand

when I lay my shoes side by side for the next day
 the right shoe goes on the right
  the left shoe goes on the left
   now that can’t be changed
    don’t mess with my shoes
     right?
      what makes it anxiety and OCD?
       versus just being silly?

when I jog past a certain area in this loop that I do
 I talk to her there
  we all need to handle this in our own way
   find that special spot
    talk to yourself
     talk to her
      pray
       don’t bottle it up

when I pause and hug my kids real tight

when I see a beautiful sunrise

when I have a bad day

when I get in a slump for a day or two

when I let small things frustrate me

when I think about others going through struggles
 and I still don’t ask them about it enough when they say they are “ok”
  it’s awkward
   or we forget weeks later
    and I can’t assume just because someone is having a bad day
     that it will end up in suicide
      but you never know
       so live a good life
        and always be there for others
         listen and watch for signs

when I see awful stories in the news
 when I hear others make judgments about suicide
  and state why people did it
   and how could they leave so much behind
    or be so selfish
     we have so much to learn

it’s a disease
 just like a heart attack
  you can’t control it
   and shouldn’t be judged

when I hear a judgment come out of my mouth
 I hope this doesn’t happen often
  we all do it
   often without realizing it
    you never know the other person’s story
     or what they’ve been through
      or what they are going through
       nice words and thoughts go a long way

when I try to think about what day to honor her each year
 but really it’s every day
  every day is a great day to remember her
   and live a life that she would be proud of
    but it’s not enough to say every day
     I really want an intentional day to celebrate her life
      or do focused good in the world in her name
       I’m open to ideas

every time I tell someone new who I am
 I may not tell them about this right away
  but I’m thinking about it
   it’s a huge part of me
    it has shaped me
     and focused me
       and helping me define a purpose
        and to live intentionally
         without judgment
          not take any day or moment for granted
           and be there for others all of the time
     but I’d trade it all back in a heartbeat

when I think about what I want to focus my life on
 when I think about what truly matters
  when I think about what I would change in this world if I could
   when I help others understand why it’s important to have dreams
    and pursue them
     and live for today
      and be happy now
       because that’s the only guarantee that we have
       and I’m inspired by the people
        who have already used this as a wake up call
         and are pursuing their dreams now

when I think about dream lists
 Katherine had 19 dreams in her list
  I think she accomplished one of those
   do the rest of us live the remaining dreams for her?
    do I just need to post something to Etsy?
     or does someone have to actually buy it?
      heh heh
       is it ok to share most of her dreams?

when I think about the good person I want to always be
 and the shining example I want to set for others
  and the best that I can be

when I think about if I can really ever save anyone
 all we can do is try
  be there for people
   spread happiness
    share some smiles
     don’t judge
      give people space
       but not too much space
        but how do you know where that line is
         all we can do is try the best we can
          and be good people

those of us that can control our lives
 should control our lives
  and help others
   and learn
    and do better
     because we know better

when I think about keeping our entire family together
 when I think about how fragile life is
  when I think about living each day to its fullest
   and treasuring the blessings we have before us each day
    and being there for others
     all the time
      even when we don’t feel like it
       yes, even then
        all the time
       and how far I’ve come in the past two years
        I think the best thing I can do to honor her memory
         is continue to improve and live the best life I can
          smile
           help others
            listen
             give back
              just be there
               focus on today
                that’s all we can guarantee
                 life is precious
                  enjoy each day to it’s fullest
                   because you never know